Tuesday, October 30, 2012

An Apology

I think it's time I apologize... And no-one should tell me that I'm wrong to apologize or I'm wrong to think what I'm thinking...
I'm horrible to all of you. I've been horrid to you all. Most of you have tried to help me in the past, but I've just told you to get lost or I've just ignored your attempts to help.
I'm not a nice person. I've been horrid to the people I love and I've slagged them off behind their back, but done it obviously so they know the damage they've caused. I play games with people's minds, apparently. Sometimes I don't realise I'm doing it, sometimes I'll manipulate people into doing what I want, or make them think it's what they want...
I've told Sparky, I hate her. In front of everyone. I humiliated her and she shouldn't have forgiven me. She should hate me. But, I played her so she would want to be my friend still. I do it with everyone, I just don’t realise it. I hate what I did. I just couldn’t bear to lose Sparky, because she’s my sister. I did everything I could to make her stay in my life.
When Kallista tries to help me, I tend to be a prick to her. I don’t mean to be. I try to be nice, I just can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why. I just can’t be nice to people when they try to help me. It’s incredibly rare that people find me being nice to them when I’m in one of those moods.
I don’t mean to be so horrible to everyone, so harsh and so hostile…I just am. You don’t deserve someone as horrible as me. I’m self-centred, arrogant, selfish, bitchy, harsh, hostile and dense. You all say I have ‘something called inner beauty’, but that’s a lie. A huge lie. I’m not a nice person. It’s not who I am. I sometimes let my head go before my heart and my head and my heart are opposites for me.
I don’t know how to apologize, to be honest. But, I do know, from day one I wasn’t a nice person. And I’ve just been getting more and more horrible.
I hate what I’ve done, I hate who I am, and I hate what I’m like. And I hate that some of you still manage to care. I don’t deserve it, don’t pretend that I do.

Monday, October 15, 2012

I'm Terrible At Thinking Up Names For Things

Sometimes I want to give in. I want to end it all. I'll see no point in life and from time to time I'll find myself with a blade against my wrist or, even worse, too many tablets in my hand...

Sometimes I'll see no reason for living... (Especially at the moment...)

Then I feel something dragging me back...something stopping me, despite my emotions. Something making me hold onto life, giving me hope that things will get better. I once made a promise that I would never kill myself, because an incredibly good friend of mine told me that he actually couldn't live without me in his life. He said he'd kill himself if I wasn't alive, because it was impossible to live without me. I know, it's a little over the top. And I know I'm not worth it. But I made that promise. And that isn't the sole reason that I'm still alive...

Every single Bloglandian, Facebookian, Chation, Twitterian.. every single Skuttlebug gave me purpose. The Skulduggery Pleasant fandom is my favourite fandom by far! You're the nicest bunch of people I've ever known. Some of you have been brought together by a need for survival, others by fear, but all of us by a book... Who knew that a series of books could save so many lives and so much hurt? I know I would never have thought that a book about a skeleton detective would have changed my life as much as it has...

I know that nobody has life easy. And everyone has problems. But I also know that none of you are alone in life. I might not live near you, or go to your school, I might not even live in your country...I may never meet you, but that will never make me stop caring. 

I wish I could thank each and every one of you in person, but I can't. So, for now, this will have to do...

Thank you to every single person that takes notice of this. Don't lose hope, don't die and be brave. I love you, never forget I'll be there for you. Always.

You're perfect...

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Love, Hate and Bubbly Things

It's nice to know you're cared about from time to time. And, sometimes, people don't hear enough how important they are to the world.

So, to every single person reading this blog right now, a world without you wouldn't be the same.

I'm honestly so glad that every single one of you is alive. Thank you for being alive. You're so important to me.

I love knowing that my friends are okay. I'm slightly obsessed with those I care about being alright, because my nightmares show those I love being tortured and dying...

That's why it hurts me so much when I don't hear from people in a long time...

So, to the person I used to care about,

Thanks for not even thinking to say hello. Most people will tell me they're still okay and they're still living, but you didn't. You just expected me to be okay, despite me trusting you so much.

Take this how you will...I'm just learning not to care about everyone. Because not everyone is worth it. You'll think of it as nothing, no doubt. However, that nothing is more than something for me.

Clearly "I love you," are just three words you use to get what you want. Those three words have been said too much.

So, I don't love anybody. Because that word has lost all meaning for me.

Congratulations, you've changed me again...


Bubbles are happy things and they're so light and peaceful. From the beginning they're lighter than air as they float through the sky. Bubbles carry smiles from the start, to the finish. Bubbles mean happiness and joy, even when they pop. For me, bubbles provide an everlasting joy. I'll never forget how bubbles were one of the few things that could make me laugh when I was injured. Now they bring me happiness because of the childhood memories they bring. Bubbles are amazing, basically.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

You and I'll be safe and sound

"I’d like to dedicate to a couple of things, but mainly happiness…So, here goes (I’m not in a dedicating mood so I apologize!)…

Happiness is an option. You can choose whether you wish to be happy or not. And, I know you’re all going to choose the right option when it comes down to it. But, in case you’re not too sure…

Life without happiness would be no life worth living. I’m only happy because of all of you. You are all my friends, or family. You’re more like family to me, I guess. So, my family are the reason I am happy. There’s always a reason to be happy, and you’re mine! I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone, or something, that will make you happy. No matter how little this thing may seem, hold onto it! Never let the happiness go.

There’s a girl I know, here in Blogland, and she’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. She’s been through a lot, especially recently. And she’s often overlooked, but she’s still fighting. She might tell herself every day that she’s ugly or worthless…But that’s not the case. She’s young and beautiful and more amazing than I could ever be! I can’t imagine a world without her, because the effect she can have is immense – whether you realise it straight away or not. The name you know her by is Willow, and I think it suits her. Because Willow is beautiful, just like her. Keep smiling, sweetie.

I remember when I was younger…I wasn’t quite as bad as I am now. I was nowhere near as bad, actually. I could still smile and carry on, despite everything. But now? Now I can’t seem to carry on and smile at everything, no matter how bad things get. Not like I used to. Because now I know what it’s like to be loved and to care about other people – I know what it’s like to have hope. I now can’t bear to be without you all, because you are all the reasons that I am living, right now. Flame, in particular (especially recently)! Now I can’t seem to go a day without breaking down into tears, because I can’t cope. But the only thing that keeps me going is getting home to talk to those I love. The only thing that keeps me going is this fandom, no matter how ridiculous I sound.

Every morning I write on my wrist ‘don’t lose hope,’ (thank you, Derek and Joe! I love you guys more than anything! <3) and ‘don’t die,’ (Zath, thank you so much! You’re perfect:3). I also read a certain e-mail sent to me by the amazing Flameeeeeeee, because it was one of the nicest things I’ve ever read. Every positive thing about me I read I remember. I force myself to remember it, even if I struggle to accept it. I’m doing better than I used to. Now, I can accept that I’m clever, which is more than I used to be able to accept! :D and there is only one group of people to thank for that – this fandom. So, I thank you all for being your perfect selves.

 I hope that you’ll never ever lose hope and keep fighting. If I had one wish it’d be for you all to be happy, because that’s all I want in life. I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly only want your happiness. Please remember that you’re loved by someone and if you only do one thing today, please let it be that you just smile. Because a smile can make the world of a difference, just like a simple compliment.

Thank you to everyone that has read this, I hope that you will be happy as often as you can be, because being sad/depressed/angry/annoyed or anything but happy is generally not worth it. I promise you. I know I fail to be happy a lot, I’m sorry. I just want you all to be happy, because that makes me even happier! I love you all, even those of you I don’t particularly like…Don’t die; don’t lose hope; don’t let anyone tell you you’re not perfect and be brave…A smile can save a life, just remember that. <3"
So, that's my latest dedication...I didn't think I had much more to say, but it turns out I do!
Flame is one of the most amazing people I've ever known, you see, and deserves recognition for his awesomeness. Flame, my dear, you're perfect and I thought you needed to know of this little fact! Flame is an incredibly caring person and without him I don't know what I'd do. He's hawt;) and he's got an amazing personality. I swear, he's flawless! I wish I could write more, but...I don't know what I can say that'd do you justice... Stay strong, because you're magnificent!
Zathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't care that your name is shorter than I wrote it to be here, I really don't care. It requires that many h's because there's too much awesome for your name to be so short! :P I don't really have much to say about you, because you know how awesome I think you are! And you deny it every time... SO I SHALL TELL YOU HOW AWESOME YOU ARE EVERY TIME WE TALK, UNTIL YOU BELIEVE ME! :3
Sparky, the spark of light that Blogland will always need! You're incredible and if anyone thinks otherwise they need high-fiving. In the face. With a metal chair. Because they couldn't be more wrong! You're so incredibly brilliant it hurts! Please never ever leave my life, you're...Wow. You're perfect, okay? I love you so much! You're my little sister! <3 Stay strong!