Tuesday, October 30, 2012

An Apology

I think it's time I apologize... And no-one should tell me that I'm wrong to apologize or I'm wrong to think what I'm thinking...
I'm horrible to all of you. I've been horrid to you all. Most of you have tried to help me in the past, but I've just told you to get lost or I've just ignored your attempts to help.
I'm not a nice person. I've been horrid to the people I love and I've slagged them off behind their back, but done it obviously so they know the damage they've caused. I play games with people's minds, apparently. Sometimes I don't realise I'm doing it, sometimes I'll manipulate people into doing what I want, or make them think it's what they want...
I've told Sparky, I hate her. In front of everyone. I humiliated her and she shouldn't have forgiven me. She should hate me. But, I played her so she would want to be my friend still. I do it with everyone, I just don’t realise it. I hate what I did. I just couldn’t bear to lose Sparky, because she’s my sister. I did everything I could to make her stay in my life.
When Kallista tries to help me, I tend to be a prick to her. I don’t mean to be. I try to be nice, I just can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why. I just can’t be nice to people when they try to help me. It’s incredibly rare that people find me being nice to them when I’m in one of those moods.
I don’t mean to be so horrible to everyone, so harsh and so hostile…I just am. You don’t deserve someone as horrible as me. I’m self-centred, arrogant, selfish, bitchy, harsh, hostile and dense. You all say I have ‘something called inner beauty’, but that’s a lie. A huge lie. I’m not a nice person. It’s not who I am. I sometimes let my head go before my heart and my head and my heart are opposites for me.
I don’t know how to apologize, to be honest. But, I do know, from day one I wasn’t a nice person. And I’ve just been getting more and more horrible.
I hate what I’ve done, I hate who I am, and I hate what I’m like. And I hate that some of you still manage to care. I don’t deserve it, don’t pretend that I do.

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