An Apology

I think it's time I apologize... And no-one should tell me that I'm wrong to apologize or I'm wrong to think what I'm thinking...
I'm horrible to all of you. I've been horrid to you all. Most of you have tried to help me in the past, but I've just told you to get lost or I've just ignored your attempts to help.
I'm not a nice person. I've been horrid to the people I love and I've slagged them off behind their back, but done it obviously so they know the damage they've caused. I play games with people's minds, apparently. Sometimes I don't realise I'm doing it, sometimes I'll manipulate people into doing what I want, or make them think it's what they want...
I've told Sparky, I hate her. In front of everyone. I humiliated her and she shouldn't have forgiven me. She should hate me. But, I played her so she would want to be my friend still. I do it with everyone, I just don’t realise it. I hate what I did. I just couldn’t bear to lose Sparky, because she’s my sister. I did everything I could to make her stay in my life.
When Kallista tries to help me, I tend to be a prick to her. I don’t mean to be. I try to be nice, I just can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why. I just can’t be nice to people when they try to help me. It’s incredibly rare that people find me being nice to them when I’m in one of those moods.
I don’t mean to be so horrible to everyone, so harsh and so hostile…I just am. You don’t deserve someone as horrible as me. I’m self-centred, arrogant, selfish, bitchy, harsh, hostile and dense. You all say I have ‘something called inner beauty’, but that’s a lie. A huge lie. I’m not a nice person. It’s not who I am. I sometimes let my head go before my heart and my head and my heart are opposites for me.
I don’t know how to apologize, to be honest. But, I do know, from day one I wasn’t a nice person. And I’ve just been getting more and more horrible.
I hate what I’ve done, I hate who I am, and I hate what I’m like. And I hate that some of you still manage to care. I don’t deserve it, don’t pretend that I do.

I'm Terrible At Thinking Up Names For Things

Sometimes I want to give in. I want to end it all. I'll see no point in life and from time to time I'll find myself with a blade against my wrist or, even worse, too many tablets in my hand...

Sometimes I'll see no reason for living... (Especially at the moment...)

Then I feel something dragging me back...something stopping me, despite my emotions. Something making me hold onto life, giving me hope that things will get better. I once made a promise that I would never kill myself, because an incredibly good friend of mine told me that he actually couldn't live without me in his life. He said he'd kill himself if I wasn't alive, because it was impossible to live without me. I know, it's a little over the top. And I know I'm not worth it. But I made that promise. And that isn't the sole reason that I'm still alive...

Every single Bloglandian, Facebookian, Chation, Twitterian.. every single Skuttlebug gave me purpose. The Skulduggery Pleasant fandom is my favourite fandom by far! You're the nicest bunch of people I've ever known. Some of you have been brought together by a need for survival, others by fear, but all of us by a book... Who knew that a series of books could save so many lives and so much hurt? I know I would never have thought that a book about a skeleton detective would have changed my life as much as it has...

I know that nobody has life easy. And everyone has problems. But I also know that none of you are alone in life. I might not live near you, or go to your school, I might not even live in your country...I may never meet you, but that will never make me stop caring. 

I wish I could thank each and every one of you in person, but I can't. So, for now, this will have to do...

Thank you to every single person that takes notice of this. Don't lose hope, don't die and be brave. I love you, never forget I'll be there for you. Always.

You're perfect...

Love, Hate and Bubbly Things

It's nice to know you're cared about from time to time. And, sometimes, people don't hear enough how important they are to the world.

So, to every single person reading this blog right now, a world without you wouldn't be the same.

I'm honestly so glad that every single one of you is alive. Thank you for being alive. You're so important to me.

I love knowing that my friends are okay. I'm slightly obsessed with those I care about being alright, because my nightmares show those I love being tortured and dying...

That's why it hurts me so much when I don't hear from people in a long time...

So, to the person I used to care about,

Thanks for not even thinking to say hello. Most people will tell me they're still okay and they're still living, but you didn't. You just expected me to be okay, despite me trusting you so much.

Take this how you will...I'm just learning not to care about everyone. Because not everyone is worth it. You'll think of it as nothing, no doubt. However, that nothing is more than something for me.

Clearly "I love you," are just three words you use to get what you want. Those three words have been said too much.

So, I don't love anybody. Because that word has lost all meaning for me.

Congratulations, you've changed me again...

AND NOW, BUBBLES.

Bubbles are happy things and they're so light and peaceful. From the beginning they're lighter than air as they float through the sky. Bubbles carry smiles from the start, to the finish. Bubbles mean happiness and joy, even when they pop. For me, bubbles provide an everlasting joy. I'll never forget how bubbles were one of the few things that could make me laugh when I was injured. Now they bring me happiness because of the childhood memories they bring. Bubbles are amazing, basically.

You and I'll be safe and sound

Dedication...
"I’d like to dedicate to a couple of things, but mainly happiness…So, here goes (I’m not in a dedicating mood so I apologize!)…

Happiness is an option. You can choose whether you wish to be happy or not. And, I know you’re all going to choose the right option when it comes down to it. But, in case you’re not too sure…

Life without happiness would be no life worth living. I’m only happy because of all of you. You are all my friends, or family. You’re more like family to me, I guess. So, my family are the reason I am happy. There’s always a reason to be happy, and you’re mine! I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone, or something, that will make you happy. No matter how little this thing may seem, hold onto it! Never let the happiness go.

There’s a girl I know, here in Blogland, and she’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. She’s been through a lot, especially recently. And she’s often overlooked, but she’s still fighting. She might tell herself every day that she’s ugly or worthless…But that’s not the case. She’s young and beautiful and more amazing than I could ever be! I can’t imagine a world without her, because the effect she can have is immense – whether you realise it straight away or not. The name you know her by is Willow, and I think it suits her. Because Willow is beautiful, just like her. Keep smiling, sweetie.

I remember when I was younger…I wasn’t quite as bad as I am now. I was nowhere near as bad, actually. I could still smile and carry on, despite everything. But now? Now I can’t seem to carry on and smile at everything, no matter how bad things get. Not like I used to. Because now I know what it’s like to be loved and to care about other people – I know what it’s like to have hope. I now can’t bear to be without you all, because you are all the reasons that I am living, right now. Flame, in particular (especially recently)! Now I can’t seem to go a day without breaking down into tears, because I can’t cope. But the only thing that keeps me going is getting home to talk to those I love. The only thing that keeps me going is this fandom, no matter how ridiculous I sound.

Every morning I write on my wrist ‘don’t lose hope,’ (thank you, Derek and Joe! I love you guys more than anything! <3) and ‘don’t die,’ (Zath, thank you so much! You’re perfect:3). I also read a certain e-mail sent to me by the amazing Flameeeeeeee, because it was one of the nicest things I’ve ever read. Every positive thing about me I read I remember. I force myself to remember it, even if I struggle to accept it. I’m doing better than I used to. Now, I can accept that I’m clever, which is more than I used to be able to accept! :D and there is only one group of people to thank for that – this fandom. So, I thank you all for being your perfect selves.

 I hope that you’ll never ever lose hope and keep fighting. If I had one wish it’d be for you all to be happy, because that’s all I want in life. I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly only want your happiness. Please remember that you’re loved by someone and if you only do one thing today, please let it be that you just smile. Because a smile can make the world of a difference, just like a simple compliment.

Thank you to everyone that has read this, I hope that you will be happy as often as you can be, because being sad/depressed/angry/annoyed or anything but happy is generally not worth it. I promise you. I know I fail to be happy a lot, I’m sorry. I just want you all to be happy, because that makes me even happier! I love you all, even those of you I don’t particularly like…Don’t die; don’t lose hope; don’t let anyone tell you you’re not perfect and be brave…A smile can save a life, just remember that. <3"

 

So, that's my latest dedication...I didn't think I had much more to say, but it turns out I do!

Flame is one of the most amazing people I've ever known, you see, and deserves recognition for his awesomeness. Flame, my dear, you're perfect and I thought you needed to know of this little fact! Flame is an incredibly caring person and without him I don't know what I'd do. He's hawt;) and he's got an amazing personality. I swear, he's flawless! I wish I could write more, but...I don't know what I can say that'd do you justice... Stay strong, because you're magnificent!

 

Zathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't care that your name is shorter than I wrote it to be here, I really don't care. It requires that many h's because there's too much awesome for your name to be so short! :P I don't really have much to say about you, because you know how awesome I think you are! And you deny it every time... SO I SHALL TELL YOU HOW AWESOME YOU ARE EVERY TIME WE TALK, UNTIL YOU BELIEVE ME! :3

 

Sparky, the spark of light that Blogland will always need! You're incredible and if anyone thinks otherwise they need high-fiving. In the face. With a metal chair. Because they couldn't be more wrong! You're so incredibly brilliant it hurts! Please never ever leave my life, you're...Wow. You're perfect, okay? I love you so much! You're my little sister! <3 Stay strong!

Just a quick post...

There's this girl I know, she's absolutely gorgeous, but she doesn't believe it. She's perfect, I swear! I cannot find a single flaw in her, and I am usually good for spotting flaws! This girl, though, I've never found a flaw in. I've known her around four months now, I think. She really doesn't see things the way we do, she faces the world with a smile and no matter what anyone says to her she is nice to them. She's unbelievably nice and kind, sweet and considerate. She's like a sister to me and a world without her would most definitely be a cold one! She is always there for me with hugs and a smile. And I owe her so much.

I could tell you all about her, but words can do her no justice. She's my big sister and I can't imagine a world without her. Anyone that harms her in any way will make a new enemy almost instantly, I can be rather protective over those I love, especially those that care for me so much.

So, Kallista Pendragon, keep smiling that beautiful smile because I'll be here for you as much as I can. One day I'll be there for real, be there to hug you and punch anyone that needs punching. I'll also be there to give you lots of sweets, because sweets are sugary and they take away the bitter part of life even though it's only for a short while! Stay strong, I love you, remember that. <3

Hope!

I am only posting this here because I've been thinking about the power of hope all last night and all this morning...I'll probably be thinking about it later on, as well...Hope is strong, hope can be more powerful than a weapon. Hope can be provided with a simple smile, I believe. Don't lose hope...

"The start of the new page I said ‘There's always hope, though.’, so guess what I’m dedicating to.
Yep, that’s right. Hope.
Earlier today, I was ready to give up on everything a few times…I thought I lost all hope in everything. I wasn’t sure what to do, or who to turn to. Recently, I’ve not been exactly…myself. I’ve not been sure of what to do or say. It has triggered a lot of memories…Few of them good. Memories of before Skulduggery Pleasant…Memories of before I had any hope and I lost faith in everything. I’m not religious, so I didn’t have anything like that to turn to. I had no friends to turn to. Teachers were more bothered about my grades than my wellbeing; since my grades were some of the best they’d ever seen no-one saw any cause for concern. My parents were busy with my brother, as usual, with him being autistic I tend to get ignored or insulted. I lost hope that things would get better, especially when it was that month in hospital…Nothing seemed to be going right for me. I’d lost so much…
Nothing anyone could do would restore my hope that things would get better. The doctors only seemed to bring bad news…I was left watching patients, that soon became friends, dying in front of me…
I remember this one girl, she was so sweet, she and I used to smile and laugh at each-other and sometimes even talk to each-other through notes. She was my age, too. She was almost as ill as I was, but when she smiled I seemed to remember the feeling of warmth again…That’s when I first felt that maybe there is hope…A little while after I was moved to another hospital. I manage to talk and type, but that was all I could do then. But, they finally got me in for an operation…The chances of my survival had doubled; they said they didn’t think I would have made it. They said I must’ve had something that kept my mind here, something keeping me here. I could’ve died in that operating theatre, but I think I know why I didn’t…That hope that the young girl gave me made me hold on…I was alive, against all odds.
A month or two after, when they took me off tablets I had to visit the doctors to get my stitches taken out of my chest. I saw that girl for one last time. I saw that girl and her mum, like I was with my mum. She gave me hope, my mum and hers exchanged a few words and me and the girl just talked and laughed. I found friendship and I found hope. She gave me the will to go on in life…
A couple of years on, I found myself with a best friend…She and I became friends so fast and we’re still friends today, but I found out that she was terminally ill…she has a cancerous tumour in her leg. I was back to lacking hope. The only person I found that liked me for me could be dying…This time; I didn’t know how to react. I ended up locking myself in my bedroom for a couple of days and just crying. I didn’t know what to say…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to talk to.
Then, I found you guys. I found the best people in this damned world. I’d been a fan since the first book was released, but I never knew of the fandom. I didn’t know how amazing you guys are. I found that, even in the darkest of times that someone will be there for me and someone can help me through it. You guys never leave me to try to sort things out on my own. There’s always one of you that’s here for me.
When some of my supposed friends betrayed my trust, I had you guys here to show me what trust really is and how precious it truly is. When I don’t know what to do or where to turn, there’s always one of you there for me…Smiling at me, telling me it’ll all be okay. Giving me hope…

Even recently, when things seem to have gotten even worse…Even when I’ve wanted to give up more than anything…Hellboy and Derek gave me the hope that I needed to carry on…They gave me hope. This hope will be there for me when I need it the most. When I just want to give in, I won’t. Not anymore, I can look at that picture and say ‘I can’t let you down, not now. You’ve done do much for me and the hope you’ve given me is immense…I’m going to carry on, just for you. Just so one day I can see you in real life and hug you and say thanks a million times over.’
Leading on from this, I’d like to dedicate to Derek…When Hellboy Facebooked me what Derek and HB had done, when I saw that picture…My life changed.
Derek, if you’re reading this- you’ve changed my life. You’re one of the most amazing people I have ever known, even if I haven’t met you. I can’t believe you agreed to Hellboy’s idea, it was amazing though. By writing the Skulduggery Pleasant books, you’ve actually saved so many people’s lives and so many people from themselves. Derek, you’ve brought together so many people. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done for me, alone. I have some of the greatest friends I could have ever wanted and I’ve learnt to love. I’ve learnt to be happy, all because of the few words that started it all… ‘Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself’. Thank you for everything, Derek, you’re really something special. I hope that I can one day meet you and tell you all of this in person. But, I guess, typing it here and hoping that you’ll see it will have to do…Well, Golden God, I think I understand why you’re called the Golden God…You’ve a heart of gold and you’re how I’d imagine any God would be – perfect and a hero…You’re truly an inspiration. Even when the books have finished, this will always be my favourite book series and you’ll always be my favourite author, idol and friend…I promise to be brave for everyone in this fandom…
And now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go embrace my inner lunatic, I hear fun times are guaranteed…*climbs out the window*"

Don't lose hope!

Safe & Sound

Don't lose hope!
Don't die!
Stay strong!
Be brave!

A smile a day can make the happiness stay...

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window, darling,
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold on to this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...
I wish I could promise your safety. I wish I could promise I would be there for all of you and tell you, face-to-face, that everything will be alright. But, for now, that's imposible. Though, I can be here for you. You can e-mail me, comment on this blog, tweet me (@RobynLuat221b) or even message me on Facebook. Trust me when I say this, I will do everything I can for you all. And if I can ever meet even one of you I'll think of myself as the luckiest girl alive. No matter what lies you are told, you will always be perfect to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc

You can leave me, you can forget I exist and you can tell me I mean nothing to you, but I will never, never ever, forget you. And I will never stop caring about you.

If you ever have any doubts, draw a heart on your left arm. Every time I wake up in the morning, I reach for a pen. I draw on my arm a little love heart. By doing the same, it brings us closer together. The heart on my arm shows that I care. Shows that I am loved. And you're loved, too. Please, never forget there'll always be someone that loves you. Always.